The past few weeks have been a very bitter pill to swallow. I pursue fitness, swimming, biking, running, weightlifting, CrossFitting, etc., because I love feeling healthy. Working hard, sweating, and even being worn out is fun for me. I spent long enough in my life being sick and sedentary that I truly enjoy pushing my body to do things it didn't used to be capable of. The fact is, finding new ways to do this has become almost as damaging an obsession as was the compulsive overeating that I replaced it with. I mean if running was fun, than triathlon must be like 3 times as fun, and if triathlon is 3 times as fun, then Ironman must be like lots of fun for even longer, and then CrossFit and triathlon is amazing, and coaching triathlon and CrossFit, and... you see the pattern. The fact is I love all of these things, but instead of being a better runner, triathlete, CrossFitter, or coach, I've just become pretty lame at all of them.
My heart is in too many places, and not fully committed to anything. I literally don't have enough passion to go around to all of the things that I love, and that includes my family, my wife, God, even, ironically, my health. Fact is, my health should be EXACTLY the reason I'm doing any of the things I've been doing, but honestly the way I've been doing them has been hurting my health more than it's been helping it. For one, I'm never fully recovered, I'm always dealing with an injury of some kind, because I'm always throwing myself into situations that I'm not prepared for because I haven't been doing anything as consistently as I should. I'm in a constant state of guilt for not giving some part of my life enough attention. If I take time off from CrossFit to concentrate on triathlon, I feel like I'm going to lose strength. If I stop running and biking, I won't finish my Ironman. If I take a break and spend time with the people I love I'm going to get fat again. These fears seem crazy to "normal" people, but I assure you that they plague me as much as anyone's fear of spiders or heights.
So what do I do? Keep going, just get along at as many things as I can and hope for the best? Or do I make a tough decision, cut some things out and try and do something well enough that I actually enjoy it again. That seems like a no brainer, but it's a much harder decision than maybe it should be.
The fact is I'm not going to be ready for Ironman Texas. I might be able to get there in the next ten weeks, but am I going to have any fun doing that? If recent history is any indicator, probably not. If I'm honest about what I want out of my health and fitness, I want the ability to be strong, fast, flexible, and ready for any kind of challenge, and training for long course triathlon doesn't get me there. Devoting myself to CrossFit and healthy nutrition is. Not because of any data or anecdotal evidence, because that's what I feel. I've got to follow my gut.
I'll always swim bike and run, and I'll even do triathlon races this year, but I feel like I have to let Ironman go. I've completed one and am really proud of it, but I don't need another one to feel accomplished. I need to be healthy and happy.